Sunday, March 30, 2008

Gabriel blew his horn

A disappointing afternoon, wasted watching UT lose to Memphis. I really thought they could pull it out - but Memphis ran away with it from the beginning pretty much. It's a sad day in longhorn country. However, now that a KU-UT championship is out of the picture, I think I'll be rooting for Davidson this evening, shhh - don't tell! - Stephen Curry is on fire, and what a great story that would be! This is why I love the madness, anything is possible.

UPDATE: With a minute fifteen left on the clock and KU making their two free throws I felt I should take the opportunity to admit I've been a fair-weather fan for both teams equally during this game. I've cheered constantly for the leader, WHEE, Underdog! WHEE, Number One Seed! It's a good game, for all involved!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

i am. at peace.

I started this entry a long time ago, in February 2007, and I don't think it's a coincidence that it was put on hold, worked on, put on hold, etc, a few times over - as over the past year I've felt many various shades of "at peace" (or not). I finally felt able to finish this during the holidays. Then I nearly wanted to burn it. And, now I feel ready to post it - I guess that's a tiny hint into my psyche, all in itself.

I'm convinced that drowning has to be one of the worst things that can happen - when you can't breath and you want to. Maybe suffocating is the same, but somehow the thought of gasping for a deep breath and turning up with a mouth (and nose) full of water instead has got to be the worst. Almost like that time when I was 5 and I had been so sneaky as to grab a huge gulp from the glass of soda that my mom had put in the fridge. It wasn't until my mouth was over-full with delicious soda that I realized it was not soda, but coffee she'd put in there to make iced coffee. And there was nothing I could do with it - but swallow. Drowning must be like that. Times a thousand.

There was a time when I used to feel like I was drowning all the time. When I was over come with anxiety about this or that. When being alone, and in silence, was perhaps the worst thing that could happen. When I couldn't dream of falling asleep without the TV to stop the panic that seemed to always be just below the surface ready to bubble over at any moment. Sometimes it was justified, or maybe explainable, panic. Sometimes it was more vague. I guess worry has always been a character trait of mine. It's always been there, but I learned to deal.

I've noticed a change in this past year [2006]. I can sleep without the TV. I can be alone, and silent. I can be inside my head without feeling like I am missing something. I can do what I want, when I want, without feeling lost or unjustified. I'll blame some of this growth on traveling by myself. When it started, it was terrifying. But there was a certain freedom and peace that comes from being completely on your own somewhere that no one knows you. Particularly if it's a place where you also don't speak the language. I can remember my flight home from Singapore - and while I had grown "home-sick" by the end of that three-and-a-half week trek around the world, I was also sad to come back. To rejoin the day-in-day-out, the social norms, the societal expectations.

And while I have a strong "home-body" tendency, those trips really forced me to embrace myself and what I was about. Making the decision to move to Texas for grad school - a player that popped up very late in the game - over staying in Boston was terrifying. It was compounded by the fact that it was something, deep-down, I felt I needed to do. It was precisely opposite to the choice I would have thought I would have made. It was exactly the opposite of how I would have thought I would feel. It was that opposition that was horrific. But I knew, perhaps from the first time it was mentioned, that this was the choice I needed to make. I felt I was finally ready.

What followed that decision was anything but peace. There was no relief, there was no acceptance, there was complete and total fear, denial, sadness, terror, depression. No where in there though, was there ever regret.

It's funny how some things that happened a long time ago seem so clear - and others that happened just yesterday are fuzzy. I was going through a drawer of papers, papers that were among the first to be unpacked, and the first to be forgotten about. It included a set of fortunes from some fortune cookies.

Right before I left Boston, my last night with AY. We shared chinese food takeout and some wine on the empty floor of my living room. I remember I didn't eat much. I remember I talked a lot. I remember it was some of the best girl talk we'd ever had, maybe because it was the last for a while. Things have a way of being better than ever when you know they are coming to an end. We each got two fortune cookies. One of mine made me laugh a bit
If your cookie is in two pieces, the answer is yes
I remember the conversation that followed. I feigned confusion, saying "I don't know what the question was" and AY, as usual, did not let me get away with it, "Yes, you do". Well, she was right. I did know the question, although it might not have been exactly what she was thinking, I'm sure at it's very core it was similar.

And, many months later, the answer is yes.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

note to self

I tried. I tried to be prepared for this. I charged the camera battery and I brought the memory card. And - there were just no pictures to be had. That's not entirely true, but there are no pictures to be shared.

I tried to be aware of the bands I was seeing that I liked, I kept a list. It goes something like:
spazmatics
ben burgess
the stills
It ends there. Not because I only saw three bands - but because after three I forgot I was keeping a list.

I tried to finish all of my work before it started, so that I could be ready for school on Monday. Instead, tonight at 10:37pm, I'm reapproaching my disastrous paper and beginning a power point presentation on it. Both are due tomorrow - and I've found out I'm presenting second.

yay for spring break, I think!

Friday, March 14, 2008

sxsw day 1

it's like disney world for music freaks! There were bands, there was BBQ, I know there was beer, I think there was fooseball, and I hear there were Indian girls.

and thats all I can say about that, my mom reads this afterall!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

sxsw day 0.5

all i can say - two new friends stolen (damn, I'm good at that) and a resident 80s cover band found. Next wednesday, Cedar St. for sure - and I will talk to Geoffrey this time!!

Tomorrow - The onion party at Emo's. I can't sleep fast enough for this....

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

new plan...

...stay up all night to finish fMRI proposal that is due after spring break, so that tomorrow I can kick off SxSW festivities right!

I've got a steady supply of Diet Coke, and an immaculately cleaned apartment. Inspiration here I come...

UPDATE (10:53pm): Thanks to Sash for the external motivation I needed - experiment one, fully contrasted, on to experiment two. Shout Out Louds, here I come.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

my new drug...

Resolve High Traffic Carpet Cleaner. It works just as well as Xanax, as far as I'm concerned.

I just cleaned half of my carpet - on my hands and knees - with this stuff. And, WOW. The carpet is clean, and I've never felt as happy. It's a miracle. This is even better than the day I discovered Easy Off Oven Cleaner and my self-cleaning oven.

(also, I lifted enough hair off the carpet to spawn 17 baby cats and maybe a gorilla - gross)

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

17,356

The number of times I have loaded my flash drive up with things to work on at home, but forgotten to pull it out of the computer before leaving my office. Dangit.

UPDATE (3/6/2008): 17,357! (also, apparently forgot to shut my office door last night before rushing out - in a hurry much. Thankfully there is a lab door still between me and the rest of the world.)

Sunday, March 02, 2008

with an i

Here's a piece of a conversation I had at a party on Saturday night with a girl whose name commonly ends in a y, but she spells it with an i.

me: "When you see your name but spelled with a Y, doesn't it just seem like something totally different?"
her: "Oh, definitely. In fact, I don't even like the name with a Y."
me: "me neither!"
her: "Whenever I go someplace and have to give my name, even where it doesn't matter, I always am sure to say..."
simultaneously: "WITH AN I!"