Saturday, July 28, 2007

trouble with numbers

Yes, there have been problems.

Hostess at the restaurant: “how many?”
Me: “3”
Me: “no, 4, sorry”
Me: “wait, 3…sorry”
Me: “um, us”(pointing to me, my mom, and Anne).
Hostess: “ya”
Hostess(to Anne now): “It’s a 15 minute wait – is that ok?”

Me: “Thirty-thousand feet”
Mom: “umm”
Me: “I mean, Thirty…Hundred”
Mom: “uh, ya”

Millie: Exit 13
Gladys: Exit 6
Me: Exit 1B?

Friday, July 27, 2007

where in Boston is Carmen San Diego?

There were lots of things I was supposed to do to get ready to go…I mean, lots. One of the things my mom kept telling me to do was to go to AAA and get some maps. We have Millie, and we have printed out directions from her GPS, but…we wanted maps too. Well, I never got there. I hate to say I forgot, because I didn’t. I just never made time, or found time, or however it went down. I thought it was alright, since I do have an atlas in my car. So we’re about 20 minutes in to the trip and my mom pulls out the atlas. About 10 minutes later she decides to find where in CT we are. Well, that’s when we realize that my US atlas is really a Boston atlas. Oops! Not going to be much help. She bought an atlas the first stop we made. I think it’s silly to have paid for an atlas, I mean AAA will give us maps for free, we should have just thought of that!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

cypress

I spent the morning doing some last minute errands, and by 1:30 I had left my apartment, sparkling clean and completely empty, and was heading to RI. By the time it came to leave I was itching to go...it had just been too long of a build-up, to much of a good-bye, too slow of a ripping off of the band-aid.

The thing that pissed me off the most about the whole ordeal, how freaking wasteful moving is. I threw out perfectly good things because I didn't need them. Food, lots of food was tossed. It began to make me a little sick, just chucking everything. So I began loading my car up with things I thought I could unload on my parents. Like yogurt. And cherries. And spackle.

The stuff I packed into the pod on Monday was supposed to be picked up yesterday - but that didn't happen quite as planned. It was successfully picked up this afternoon. I was hoping that the extra time would allow me to shop for cool new things I needed, since there is extra room in the pod. You know, things like dishes, or pots and pans, or pillows. But, that didn't happen quite as planned. I did add 3 or 4 more things this morning. 8 rolls of paper towels, 6 rolls of toilet paper, paper bowls, paper plates, and plastic cups. I didn't want to waste them, so now I am paying to ship these things 2000 miles!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Sunday, July 22, 2007

solo

Last week, while home alone and pretending to pack, I think I had a little psychotic break. The cable was busted, so I called the cable company trying to get it fixed - yes, fixed for about 4 days until I have to have it canceled. They sent a cable guy over to check it out. The guy that showed up had actually been here twice before, he remembered me, and he's very nice. I was apparently excited to have some company and someone to talk to, I think at one point I offered to make him a sandwich - truly, a sandwich...for the cable guy. In the end, it turns out I unplugged one of the cable wires, which is why it wasn't working. He plugged it back in and everything was fine. Honestly, I didn't KNOW I unplugged it - but I can't be sure that I didn't do it all subconsciously, looking for a friend...

Hmmm, today the phone seems to be acting up...I hope the phone man is nice!

Friday, July 20, 2007

omission

Those of you who know me may have noticed a lot of big news left off the blog. And in fact, those of you who don't know me may have just noticed lots of time between posts. I blame it all on the copious amounts of denial I've been living in.

I left my job a week ago and have been packing up my apartment in preparation for a move to Austin, Texas. I hear that Austin is the only place in Texas to go - so I'm going. Well that, and I'll be attending the University of Texas at Austin for graduate school. I decided the commute from Boston was a bit too far! Everyone asks me if I'm excited, and I have my standard answers, that are shades of the truth. My repertoire includes: "Yes, I'm excited, but there is so much to do!", "It's sad to leave, but I'll be happy once I'm down there!", "Austin is a great city!", "Yes, I am happy with the choice I made!", "Oh, I leave next week. It's so soon, I'm not quite ready, but it sure is exciting."

There are few people who've heard the real answers, those are people who are going through a similar thing...and after testing each other out a bit, we ease into the actual truth. Afraid of what is actually going through our heads. Afraid that we may be alone in thinking...

No. I'm not excited. I'm terrified. Yes, it's a big move, yes it's far, yes I don't know anyone. These things frighten me. But I'll get over those. Yes, I'm sad to leave behind my friends, yes I'm nervous of how the distance will change things, yes I'm afraid of being replaced. But I'll learn to handle that. It's terrifying to think I've committed to do something for a substantial period of time that I'm not totally sure of. No, I don't know what I want to do, no I can't tell you what I want to be, no I'm not always sure why I am doing this. Those things - are terrifying. But, I'm comforted in the thought that everyone else I know headed off on a similar venture has faced the same. I've focused so much on the "moving", trying to cope with that - I've left so much of the "future" wrapped up in my nice little package of denial. And while I choose to ignore it, I ignore it knowing it's there.

Its scary to think that I'm so unsure of what I'm getting into and for what reasons. I mean, it makes sense to me as something to do, and there are small goals along the way. But to say I really understand how it will fit into the grand scheme of my life, I don't. To say that it was worth it to pick up and move, leaving a happy little life behind, I can't. To say that I'll be better off for it in the end, how would I even know.

So I sit here, in an empty apartment, boxes that I hope will fit into the pod on Monday and a cat that is slowly becoming psychotic surround me, and I'm terrified. I'm terrified in a way that I can't even share with anyone. A sort of terrified that likely has some excitement buried under it, a sort of terrified that is likely going to be ok one day...but today, I can't see any of that. I see my empty apartment and nothing familiar in front of me. Today, the terrified is winning.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

pusher

One of the benefits of being over 21, you can buy your own cough medicine! I wonder, then, is it illegal to buy cough medicine for minors? What if it's a minor in need? Either way, I'm happy to oblige - kids out there, if you need cough medicine, you can call on me!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

rulez!

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Tuesday, July 03, 2007

listening

Grey Street - Dave Matthews Band

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey