omission

Those of you who know me may have noticed a lot of big news left off the blog. And in fact, those of you who don't know me may have just noticed lots of time between posts. I blame it all on the copious amounts of denial I've been living in.

I left my job a week ago and have been packing up my apartment in preparation for a move to Austin, Texas. I hear that Austin is the only place in Texas to go - so I'm going. Well that, and I'll be attending the University of Texas at Austin for graduate school. I decided the commute from Boston was a bit too far! Everyone asks me if I'm excited, and I have my standard answers, that are shades of the truth. My repertoire includes: "Yes, I'm excited, but there is so much to do!", "It's sad to leave, but I'll be happy once I'm down there!", "Austin is a great city!", "Yes, I am happy with the choice I made!", "Oh, I leave next week. It's so soon, I'm not quite ready, but it sure is exciting."

There are few people who've heard the real answers, those are people who are going through a similar thing...and after testing each other out a bit, we ease into the actual truth. Afraid of what is actually going through our heads. Afraid that we may be alone in thinking...

No. I'm not excited. I'm terrified. Yes, it's a big move, yes it's far, yes I don't know anyone. These things frighten me. But I'll get over those. Yes, I'm sad to leave behind my friends, yes I'm nervous of how the distance will change things, yes I'm afraid of being replaced. But I'll learn to handle that. It's terrifying to think I've committed to do something for a substantial period of time that I'm not totally sure of. No, I don't know what I want to do, no I can't tell you what I want to be, no I'm not always sure why I am doing this. Those things - are terrifying. But, I'm comforted in the thought that everyone else I know headed off on a similar venture has faced the same. I've focused so much on the "moving", trying to cope with that - I've left so much of the "future" wrapped up in my nice little package of denial. And while I choose to ignore it, I ignore it knowing it's there.

Its scary to think that I'm so unsure of what I'm getting into and for what reasons. I mean, it makes sense to me as something to do, and there are small goals along the way. But to say I really understand how it will fit into the grand scheme of my life, I don't. To say that it was worth it to pick up and move, leaving a happy little life behind, I can't. To say that I'll be better off for it in the end, how would I even know.

So I sit here, in an empty apartment, boxes that I hope will fit into the pod on Monday and a cat that is slowly becoming psychotic surround me, and I'm terrified. I'm terrified in a way that I can't even share with anyone. A sort of terrified that likely has some excitement buried under it, a sort of terrified that is likely going to be ok one day...but today, I can't see any of that. I see my empty apartment and nothing familiar in front of me. Today, the terrified is winning.