Gabriel blew his horn

A disappointing afternoon, wasted watching UT lose to Memphis. I really thought they could pull it out - but Memphis ran away with it from the beginning pretty much. It's a sad day in longhorn country. However, now that a KU-UT championship is out of the picture, I think I'll be rooting for Davidson this evening, shhh - don't tell! - Stephen Curry is on fire, and what a great story that would be! This is why I love the madness, anything is possible.

UPDATE: With a minute fifteen left on the clock and KU making their two free throws I felt I should take the opportunity to admit I've been a fair-weather fan for both teams equally during this game. I've cheered constantly for the leader, WHEE, Underdog! WHEE, Number One Seed! It's a good game, for all involved!

one hundred and sixty-one to go

It had to be done!

i am. at peace.

I started this entry a long time ago, in February 2007, and I don't think it's a coincidence that it was put on hold, worked on, put on hold, etc, a few times over - as over the past year I've felt many various shades of "at peace" (or not). I finally felt able to finish this during the holidays. Then I nearly wanted to burn it. And, now I feel ready to post it - I guess that's a tiny hint into my psyche, all in itself.

I'm convinced that drowning has to be one of the worst things that can happen - when you can't breath and you want to. Maybe suffocating is the same, but somehow the thought of gasping for a deep breath and turning up with a mouth (and nose) full of water instead has got to be the worst. Almost like that time when I was 5 and I had been so sneaky as to grab a huge gulp from the glass of soda that my mom had put in the fridge. It wasn't until my mouth was over-full with delicious soda that I realized it was not soda, but coffee she'd put in there to make iced coffee. And there was nothing I could do with it - but swallow. Drowning must be like that. Times a thousand.

There was a time when I used to feel like I was drowning all the time. When I was over come with anxiety about this or that. When being alone, and in silence, was perhaps the worst thing that could happen. When I couldn't dream of falling asleep without the TV to stop the panic that seemed to always be just below the surface ready to bubble over at any moment. Sometimes it was justified, or maybe explainable, panic. Sometimes it was more vague. I guess worry has always been a character trait of mine. It's always been there, but I learned to deal.

I've noticed a change in this past year [2006]. I can sleep without the TV. I can be alone, and silent. I can be inside my head without feeling like I am missing something. I can do what I want, when I want, without feeling lost or unjustified. I'll blame some of this growth on traveling by myself. When it started, it was terrifying. But there was a certain freedom and peace that comes from being completely on your own somewhere that no one knows you. Particularly if it's a place where you also don't speak the language. I can remember my flight home from Singapore - and while I had grown "home-sick" by the end of that three-and-a-half week trek around the world, I was also sad to come back. To rejoin the day-in-day-out, the social norms, the societal expectations.

And while I have a strong "home-body" tendency, those trips really forced me to embrace myself and what I was about. Making the decision to move to Texas for grad school - a player that popped up very late in the game - over staying in Boston was terrifying. It was compounded by the fact that it was something, deep-down, I felt I needed to do. It was precisely opposite to the choice I would have thought I would have made. It was exactly the opposite of how I would have thought I would feel. It was that opposition that was horrific. But I knew, perhaps from the first time it was mentioned, that this was the choice I needed to make. I felt I was finally ready.

What followed that decision was anything but peace. There was no relief, there was no acceptance, there was complete and total fear, denial, sadness, terror, depression. No where in there though, was there ever regret.

It's funny how some things that happened a long time ago seem so clear - and others that happened just yesterday are fuzzy. I was going through a drawer of papers, papers that were among the first to be unpacked, and the first to be forgotten about. It included a set of fortunes from some fortune cookies.

Right before I left Boston, my last night with AY. We shared chinese food takeout and some wine on the empty floor of my living room. I remember I didn't eat much. I remember I talked a lot. I remember it was some of the best girl talk we'd ever had, maybe because it was the last for a while. Things have a way of being better than ever when you know they are coming to an end. We each got two fortune cookies. One of mine made me laugh a bit

If your cookie is in two pieces, the answer is yes

I remember the conversation that followed. I feigned confusion, saying "I don't know what the question was" and AY, as usual, did not let me get away with it, "Yes, you do". Well, she was right. I did know the question, although it might not have been exactly what she was thinking, I'm sure at it's very core it was similar.

And, many months later, the answer is yes.

note to self

I tried. I tried to be prepared for this. I charged the camera battery and I brought the memory card. And - there were just no pictures to be had. That's not entirely true, but there are no pictures to be shared.

I tried to be aware of the bands I was seeing that I liked, I kept a list. It goes something like:

spazmatics
ben burgess
the stills

It ends there. Not because I only saw three bands - but because after three I forgot I was keeping a list.

I tried to finish all of my work before it started, so that I could be ready for school on Monday. Instead, tonight at 10:37pm, I'm reapproaching my disastrous paper and beginning a power point presentation on it. Both are due tomorrow - and I've found out I'm presenting second.

yay for spring break, I think!

sxsw day 1

it's like disney world for music freaks! There were bands, there was BBQ, I know there was beer, I think there was fooseball, and I hear there were Indian girls.

and thats all I can say about that, my mom reads this afterall!

sxsw day 0.5

all i can say - two new friends stolen (damn, I'm good at that) and a resident 80s cover band found. Next wednesday, Cedar St. for sure - and I will talk to Geoffrey this time!!

Tomorrow - The onion party at Emo's. I can't sleep fast enough for this....

new plan...

...stay up all night to finish fMRI proposal that is due after spring break, so that tomorrow I can kick off SxSW festivities right!

I've got a steady supply of Diet Coke, and an immaculately cleaned apartment. Inspiration here I come...

UPDATE (10:53pm): Thanks to Sash for the external motivation I needed - experiment one, fully contrasted, on to experiment two. Shout Out Louds, here I come.

my new drug...

Resolve High Traffic Carpet Cleaner. It works just as well as Xanax, as far as I'm concerned.

I just cleaned half of my carpet - on my hands and knees - with this stuff. And, WOW. The carpet is clean, and I've never felt as happy. It's a miracle. This is even better than the day I discovered Easy Off Oven Cleaner and my self-cleaning oven.

(also, I lifted enough hair off the carpet to spawn 17 baby cats and maybe a gorilla - gross)

17,356

The number of times I have loaded my flash drive up with things to work on at home, but forgotten to pull it out of the computer before leaving my office. Dangit.

UPDATE (3/6/2008): 17,357! (also, apparently forgot to shut my office door last night before rushing out - in a hurry much. Thankfully there is a lab door still between me and the rest of the world.)

with an i

Here's a piece of a conversation I had at a party on Saturday night with a girl whose name commonly ends in a y, but she spells it with an i.

me: "When you see your name but spelled with a Y, doesn't it just seem like something totally different?"
her: "Oh, definitely. In fact, I don't even like the name with a Y."
me: "me neither!"
her: "Whenever I go someplace and have to give my name, even where it doesn't matter, I always am sure to say..."
simultaneously: "WITH AN I!"

vote early, vote often!

When I was home for Christmas one of my friends asked me if Texas voted on Super-Tuesday, and I was embarrassed to say "I have no idea". I knew I wouldn't miss it when the election happened, but I was unsure if we were a Super-Tuesday state or not. Turns out, no. A few weeks after I was home I remember insinuating that Texas was strange for having some crazy "primary-caucus hybrid" and being pissy that we voted a full month after Super-Tuesday. At that time, it was suspected, that perhaps the candidates would be chosen by then - some wondered whether the race would still be competitive in Texas at that point.

Well, it is.

A few weeks ago UT hosted a debate between Obama and Clinton, it was amusing for the most part - particularly when they began to fight. (My personal favorite was when Hill burst out with a "But, Baaahh-Raaahhck!!".) In my opinion she looked foolish during much of that debate, except for the very end. Bill Clinton was at UT on Wednesday, and I was there to hear him speak. He truly is a great public speaker. He was there to tell us that Hillary is the best "agent of change" he knows. That while Obama touts himself as the change, Hillary is better able to make the change. On Thursday, Obama held a town-hall meeting in Austin. This is the first time that I've had this much personal attention from candidates, other than when we were electing our senior class officers in high school.

And while there can be much debate into how to choose which candidate to back: do you support women, or african americans? Are you more impressed by experience than promise? Does youth prevail? Education? Environment? Health care? International policy? IRAQ? There are many reasons why this democratic primary will be memorable. For me, the biggest reason may not be who I vote for, but how I vote.

Texas has an early voting system, which begins 17 days before an election and ends 4 days before an election. There are specific early voting polls, and anyone can vote at any location. It seems odd, and yet so simple. Why not open the polls early, give people more chances to be able to make it out to vote. I'm not sure how Texas is able to handle this and other states aren't, but they do it and it seems to work. To further confuse things, for the primaries we have what is referred to as the Texas Two-Step, a phrase so beloved by the state it is actually used to describe any number of things.

Two-thirds of the delegates are decided by the vote of the primary. The remaining one-third are decided by the caucus held 15 minutes after the polls close. In order to participate in the caucus, you must vote in the primary. You must be present at the caucus at precisely 7:15 for your participation to count. As it has been described to me, everyone gathers in one room and "signs-in" according to the candidate they choose. It sounds strange to me, but I'll be there to caucus for the first time.

What disturbs me the most about this whole system is, no one knows about it. I thought that I was the one who had caught on late - but truly, no one that I've spoken to knows anything about this. So I've been making it my personal mission to inform everyone I know. Vote early, vote often, long live Texas!

compliments

I was happy to be on the receiving end of this compliment during my stats class today...

"What was that thing that you brought to Brian's on Saturday?"
"Stuffed grape leaves?"
"Oh, you made those - they were great!"
"It was my first try, they were ok but they'll be better then next time. What did you think I made?"
"That Texas-shaped cake. I just assume whenever there is a baked good that you've made it. But I guess it's not just the baked goods it's whatever I can't stop eating - that's how I know what you've brought!"

i shouldn't touch things...

this looks like poo, but better than it did 10 minutes ago. I messed something up and don't have the time or patience to make it look nicer. Although, I'll work on it. Taking applications for personal assistants!

dear jack-holes

Dear jack-holes who don't know how to park properly,

There is limited street space nearby campus that doesn't require a neighborhood parking sticker, we all know this. I understand that those of you who arrive early want to park at the end of the street - closest to campus. But, as you pull in, please back-up completely, leaving minimal space between you and the car behind you. We could easily fit 10 more cars on this street. The 17 three-quarter parking spots I pass each morning really piss me off. And my car is small.

Thank you,
Disgruntled Commuter.

DISCLAIMER: It may be hard to see the actual size of these spots, but they are all about half a car length, and I took them all this morning. There were 3 I did not snap, since a car was coming and I was risking getting hit.

Please, prepare for take-off!

Lately there has been lots of flight searching going on. Flights for a trip I hope to make in the future, flights for a trip I tried to make in the past. Flights for people to come here, flights for people to go elsewhere. Every time it's flight-scheduling-time I get incredibly overwhelmed. There are so many options, its so expensive, and comparison shopping is nearly impossible. And somehow I'm always in the dark about where to look. So I thought I'd ask - how do y'all find flights?

I know of travelocity, orbitz, and expedia. And priceline, and hotwire. I've had the most luck with Orbitz (out of those). Sometime in the last year and a half, my mom introduced me to kayak.com, which has been my stand-by since then. Just last week I was introduced to onetravel.com - and actually found a cheaper flight than I did on kayak! (One caveat, kayak shows the prices with all the fees, onetravel does not. Same with orbitz, no fees...except in teeny tiny print!) And today, travelzoo.com - which, btw, has announced that many airlines have dropped their winter/spring rates and discounts are being seen out of Boston.

So, my question is this - how do you find flights? what's your favorite? where should I look? Please, comment away!!

listening

This song never fails to pump me up, for anything. I feel like a superhero after I've listened to it.

Face Up and Sing - Ani Difranco

some guy tried to rub up against me
in a crowded subway car
some guy tried to feed me some stupid line
in some stupid bar
I see the same shit everyday
the landscape looks so bleak
I think I'll take the first one of you's home
that does something unique

some chick says
thank you for saying all the things I never do
I say
the thanks I get is to take all the shit for you
it's nice that you listen
it'd be nicer if you joined in
as long as you play their game girl
you're never going to win

today I just want someone to entertain me
I'm tired of being so fierce
I'm tired of being so friendly
you don't have to be a supermodel
to do the animal thing
you don't have to be a supergenius
to open your face up and sing

somebody do something
anything soon
I know I can't be the only
whatever I am in the room
so why am I so lonely?
why am I so tired?
I need company
I need backup
I need to be inspired

my professionalism will astound you

On Thursday afternoon I was in my office and received a phone call from a potential subject. My research is directly dependent on people wanting to participate, and the fact that I want to use elderly subjects - well, recruitment is tricky. So, when someone calls to volunteer, basically I will agree to give them whatever in the world they want. My advisor was in the lab area outside of my office, but I decided it was ok to carry on with the phone conversation with my door open. A few minutes into the conversation, however, a classmate walked in to use the lab area. I decided it would be better to shut my door, so she could not hear my conversation. I had to slide my phone from the back of my desk to the front edge so I could get up to shut the door.

And there it was - a giant bug. HUGE. with antennae. You know how well I deal with these things. But, I was on the phone. So, I grabbed the paper I was writing notes on and stood up on my chair. I had my eyes locked on that sucker, while I spoke to the subject from atop my chair and tried to make an appointment for our first meeting. Finally I decided I could not wait any longer, and I found a post-it note pad to try and crush the bug. BUT - he began to run. I LOST THE BUG. So, now I'm back up on the chair scribbling notes.

Finally, I made the appointment, hung up the phone, and opened my office door. At which point I burst into high-pitched squeals "omigawd, a bug. A BUG, omigod!! There was a bug. I lost the bug. omigawd!!" Both my advisor and classmate turned to look at me, slightly unphased. The classmate asked, "was it big?" I wanted to scream - DOES IT MATTER?! But, I calmed down a bit.

I removed everything from my desk, and used some lysol wipes. Then I got down on my hands and knees, armed with wipes and a heavy tape dispenser, and began the search. My classmate looked in and laughed, "What are you doing? Oh my god, are you looking for it?" From beneath my desk I shrieked "Of course I am! It's here somewhere. I lost it. Where did it go?!"

Defeated, I stood up and packed my bag. As I headed out of my office my advisor said, "heading home? Have a nice night!" and I responded, "yes, I'm itchy. There's a bug in my office!" I wonder if he regrets working with me? Thanks to my dad, I know the bug isn't there anymore. He assured me it has crawled out, under the door, and made its way down the hall by now!

'till Gabriel blows his horn

I've never been to a big "sports" school. I'm currently enrolled at my 4th institution of higher learning, but this is the only one I've been to that actually has a football team. I'm not talking about a "decent" football team, just any team, in general. On top of that, I've never really felt much sporting school spirit. Most recently I was at Boston University, and most of y'all have heard the story about how I learned what the mascot was there. To fill you in, it goes something like this:

I was at my grandmother's house with my parents, we had arrived in separate cars, along with other family members. We were all standing in the street outside her driveway talking, and a neighbor I did not know said to the crowd "Who's the terrier?" I ignored him, as I didn't know what he was saying, it couldn't be directed at me. Again he starts speaking of some terrier. I go on ignoring him, walking closer to my car. At this point he comes up to me and asks directly "are you a terrier?" Um, ok - NO, I'm not. I starred back blankly, unsure of how to answer him. So he continued "Do you go to BU?" Ah, yes, I say proudly, yes I do. And he blinks and says, "So you're a terrier?" Hm, still unsure. So he points to the parking sticker on my car (with a picture of a dog on it) and says "BU, terriers, you go there?" I do, and now I understand why this dog is on my parking sticker. Supposedly it's the mascot. I recently told this story to a BU alum who lives in Austin and she laughed and said "You didn't know Rhett?" And I felt like I was back at square one, "excuse me, Rhett? I'm talking terrier's here!" Supposedly that dog is named Rhett.

Prior to that, I was at American University - we were the eagles. I know this because I have a pair of light blue shorts with the word Eagles written across the bum. And there was a statue somewhere of an Eagle. And, really, if you are going to call a school The American University, what else could the mascot possibly be? Before that I was a Clarkie. Through and through. But, was I a Cougar? I guess by default. We were the red and white blooded Cougars. The women's field hockey team (which I was not on) played in the outfield of the shitty baseball field that the men's baseball team (which I was not on) used. The men's lacrosse team (which I was not on) had the newest coach so they got the last pick for gym time and held practice at 1am. The gym floor was redone my freshman year, and thus we were no longer allowed to play sports on it. The basketball games had more band members than fans in attendance. You get the picture.

So last night, when I went to my first ever college sporting event, can you imagine how blown away I was at the basketball game I saw? I mean, forget the fact that HOARDS of people were heading there and scalpers were outside, and that ESPN was broadcasting the game. Forget the fact that there were 3 dance teams, cheerleaders, a mascot, a band, a pep squad. Forget the fact that standing ovations were given to two former football players as they walked in with their entourages. Forget that this was currently one of the biggest college basketball games this season. Well, no, don't forget those - those are all the reasons I was blown away.

If I thought that the longhorns around the city of Austin were plentiful, this was a whole new level. Burnt orange everywhere. Hell, Blue everywhere too. The fanfare was a bit ridiculous. I mean, chants and cheers and stomping and whooping. I sat quietly for about ten minutes, before I was yelling with the rest of them. Unclear what we were yelling "give 'em hell, give 'em hell, make 'em eat shit" seemed to be the local consensus. But there was also "FIGHT, TEXAS!" and of course, the eyes of Texas, sung after the star spangled banner, with a Texas State flag stretched across the court. As a friend pointed out, it didn't take me long to get into it (um, hello, do you not know me? were we concerned I'd NOT get into it?!) I was already decked out in my new t-shirt, and had the horns up for all the foul shots!

Beyond the shear amazement at the crowd and fans, it was a really good basketball game to watch as well. Not the ass-whoopin' some had hoped for (I'm going to be a longhorn for a while, please don't stop talking to me every time they win!), but a great ending for longhorn fans everywhere!

And today, I'm left suppressing the urge to make the Eyes of Texas my new ringtone. I've also already begun to look into getting student season tickets for football. Oh, and most importantly - The Sox are in DESPERATE need of a hand signal, it's really the only thing Red Sox Nation is missing. So, I'm on it!

my rings

I've always worn rings. In high school. In college. After. One of the rings I wear my mom gave me, it's silver (all my rings are silver) and it makes a circle, with an opening, on top of my finger. In the summer I'll get a tan line around it, and when I take it off there is a tanned circle inside the white outline of the ring. Not sure why, but I always sort of love that tan line. In high school I never took my rings off, maybe only during field hockey and lacrosse games because I was forced. In college I took them off even less. I'd sleep in them, I'd shower with them. Really, they were always there. I've worn the circle ring for upwards of twelve years - whenever I get together with my friend Jenn from high school she muses over that fact, remembering it from high school. A second ring I've worn for about eleven years, it's my high school class ring. I went to a small private all-girls school and just about every girl got one. I think I'm the only one who still wears hers. It's simple, a silver ring with a black stone in the middle. On the right side it says "LS" for Lincoln School, on the left side it says "98" and stone itself is engraved with the helmet of Athena, the greek goddess of wisdom. Underneath it is engraved with my name. For our school the rings were symbolic, you received them in your junior year and wore them with the helmet facing in. On graduation you flipped your ring around, with the helmet facing out - letting all your wisdom lose into the world. Or something like that. The third ring is the newest, only about 5 years old or so, and is my college ring. It's daintier than the high school ring, it's white gold and has a small ruby stone in it. Our school colors were red and white, and a ruby also happens to be my birthstone. Around the stone it says Clark University. On the right side it says "02" and on the left side it says "BA". Underneath it is engraved with only my initials, it is too small to fit the entire name. I've worn these rings everyday for a long time. Until just under a year ago.

As I said, in college I never took them off. I slept in them, I showered in them, everything. Some years later I decided I couldn't sleep in them, and I started taking them off at night. And also to shower. Like a normal person. Just under a year ago, I woke up in the morning, got ready for work and made a conscious decision to not put my rings on. I don't even know why, but I remember thinking I wasn't going to wear them. And I didn't the next day either. Or the next. You get the picture. I've brought them places with me, they still get packed in bags for overnight trips. But I've not worn them. I forgot to pack them when I went home for Christmas, and I felt a little worried when I realized I didn't have them - but I'm not sure I would have put them on.

Yesterday, as I was doing my normal Sunday thing - errands and such - I put them on. This morning, when I got ready for school, I put them on. Again, I'm not sure why, but I did. And now, my hands look like my own again!

OCD

My OCD has reached a new low (high?). I was out of the office yesterday (on my death bed with the mutant flu, but thats a story for another time) and while I was out one of the IT guys had to come in and set my office computer up to be on an outside server, so I can access even more RAIDs and files and good stuff. I didn't know he was going to come while I was gone. He very nicely left me a note explaining what he had done. It says:

"I also moved the folder icons down to the bottom left corner of your desktop so they don't get lost in all your other folders...

...I had to move a few things around with the open folders and applications on your desktop, it is awfully crowded."

And my reaction, shear embarrassment that he had to see my messy desktop. And, of course, it is now all spic-n-span and organized. There must be a drug for this, and I want it!